Saturday 4 September 2010

That Sinking Feeling

The Axis have been unusually quiet, due to a selection of illnesses incurred during a bank holiday weekend spent mostly outdoors in the rain. However, they perked up quick enough and have obviously decided to spend the last couple of days making up for lost time.

My lovely landlady/neighbour/friend has two sons, aged 16 (the teenager) and 22 (the new graduate). They are the polar opposites of the boys I work with and I'm hoping their polite influence and genteel manners will rub off on my two uncouth ratbags. The 16 year old is a very talented engineer and can whip up a fully-functioning Harrier Jump Jet from a dustbin lid and a bit of string in ten minutes flat. He has an array of fancy remote control toys and the Pie thinks his house is, essentially, heaven on earth. It's very useful to have them next door as recently the Pie's boredom threshold has sunk even lower, with the result that he has taught himself to fart at will - and he stinks. Bunging him next door means I have a few minutes to fumigate the house before the Pie's next onslaught.

On the last sortie the Pie and the Kong discovered a brand new, enormously powerful speedboat. 'Oooooooooooooh,' cooed the Axis, in glorious silent and reverent unison (the kind they do not employ in church). The teenager grinned proudly and offered to take the Axis to the lake to show off the boat's capabilities. So off we all went - the teen, the new grad, their mother, their dog, the Axis, and me.

When we got to the lake it was completely covered in thick, opaque green algae. It looked like a crazy golf course down there. Undeterred, the boys put the boat on the lake and it began to turn amazing tricks, zooming up and down and scaring various wildfowl, until all of a sudden it putt-putted out and would only go in anti-clockwise circles. We all stood there, scratching our heads about how to get it back. No-one noticed Noah climbing the railing on the deck. And I fully understand that, as we will hopefully live round here for a good many years to come, at some point both those boys will probably fall in that lake. But I don't think it's very reasonable for them to attempt it at such a young age...

The Axis are with their father this weekend and so I have been looking forward to spending the morning in bed drinking tea. However, all three of them are downstairs playing some game which seems to involve them growling as loudly as possible and then splitting their sides laughing. Why can't they play this game at Daddio's house? Why is the Kong still downstairs smearing marmalade all over my carpets? Ratbags.