Season's Bleatings

Ubermum swills the last of her wine around her glass, gazing mournfully down at it. 'It's got so bad,' she says, 'that we're doing a countdown...to the countdown.' Her friends, including me, groan at recognition of her plight. Even me, who has told the Pie that he cannot request a new games console for Christmas, because although Santa delivers the presents, he sends Mummy the bill.

Ugh, Christmas. Leaving aside the whole birth of our saviour thing, I find it a pretty joyless time of year, for various reasons. The creeping dread of the horribleness seems to start earlier every year, hence the fact that, last week, I was forced to admit that what I had thought was a bit of a prolonged bad mood was, in fact, probably full-blown Seasonal Affective Disorder. I'm no stranger to mood disorders, having happily miserable for several years, but somehow, I'm never ready. It always catches me on the hop. Even when, as with SAD, it can be marked, pretty much, on the calendar, I'm never ready. It bites me on the ankles and trips me up every time.

This time, though, is going to be different. I'm going to ORGANISE my way out of the misery! Yes! I'll devise a plan and STICK to it. Cos, y'know, I'm really, really good at that (ha). This isn't quite the same as the 'curtains approach' ('pull yourself together'). As, hopefully, most of you know, there is no point in telling someone depressed to snap out of it because they are actually very lucky ('but you have two beautiful children!' yes, I know, and I still feel fucking awful, so this must be serious). No, instead, I present an action plan for beating the bete noir before he drags me off again. You might find it helpful too, or not, as the case may be.

1. Get plenty of rest. As with colds, if you're tired, you're more vulnerable. And if you're half-asleep, you're more likely not to see the intricate Lego model Punto that the Kong has left on the stairs, step on it, skid halfway down the staircase and badly bruise your coccyx. I needn't dwell on the consequences that flow from such a grossly negligent act of Kong. Suffice to say, he has taken household responsibility for checking all stairs for Mummy-proofing from now on.

2. Don't get too much rest. Aha! The eternal conundrum! How much rest is enough? Well, if you're hiding under the duvet, thinking about how you should really get up, but you just can't, and you've been there for several hours - well, probably time to put one foot in front of the other and get up. Just to see what happens. Tempting though it is to sleep all day, doing so will only make the mood worsen. Gerrup! And do some exercise!

3. Eat properly. Note to self: This does not mean 'eat everything in sight'. No. It does not. It means three meals a day, healthy balance of protein, carbs and fat, lots of veggies, and, yes, ok, chocolate for the serontonin-boosting properties (which of course are multiplied if you manage to down a 200g bar of Whole Nut in one go).

4. Bury self in good book. Not to be confused with actual immersion in the church bible, which is roughly the size of our house. Instead, I have treated myself to three new novels from off of Amazon. Unfortunately, one is about a murder, one is a misery memoir, and the third is an instructional manual in something deadly boring. Ah. (BTW, I would go down the library, but I've sort of lost something of theirs, so I'm hiding. It's only getting worse, isn't it.)

5. New Project! Let's face it, around this time of year, everyone starts thinking about a new job. Even me, and I love my job (my boss might read this, although it's unlikely). So - ahem! - the way round it is to think of Something Completely Different. A new project. Resurfacing the garden, perhaps. Rearranging the kitchen. Starting a new business and making megabucks. Or finding a new, more efficient way to iron the Axis' pants.

6. Leave the bloody house, for Chrissakes I'm great for ducking invitations, me. That's not to say I get hundreds ('Private party at the French House? Ever so sorry, I've got to watch a rerun of The Bill on UK Gold that night') but recently, my default response when invited anywhere has been a flat 'no'. This has partly been due to the continuing extreme skintness that I'm getting increasingly sick of, partly because I Just Want To Be Left Alone, Dammit. People go out and do things and have fun and I moulder under the sleeping bag feeling miserable and doing nowt about owt. Hence, this morning, when Ubermum and Bongomum were hovering at the end of the path, a good 20 minutes after the kids had gone to school. They clobbered me into coming out tonight, even though I had planned an exciting evening of washing socks and eating yogurt on the sofa while wearing a cardigan with egg on the front of it. I fretted about all the stuff that wouldn't get done and then thought, it will be ok. This is what the bad parrot does not want you to think. The bad parrot keeps telling you all kinds of other things. But they are not true. Bad parrot can be relied upon to foxtrot oscar if you muse, loudly, on whether parrot pie would be better topped with shortcrust or puff.

7. Don't be browbeaten Use the phrases 'No' and 'I don't want to' more often. As in 'No thanks, I don't want to perform some thankless task that will probably only be done wrong and have zero impact' and 'I don't want to enter into a discussion with you about education policy because your crazy right-wing views are so beserk I'll provoke a self-induced hernia if I do.' Do lots of things you like, or that result in improvements, and don't do things you don't like, or that result in frustration. Avoid people who like to browbeat like the plague, they are no good for you and can look after themselves while you are not feeling great.

8. Do all your Christmas shopping online, finally buy the ex that lump of coal he's truly deserved for many, many Christmases, don't send any Christmas cards, admit that goodwill toward all men might just be pushing it a little bit this year, and order a curry from the local Indian takeaway for Christmas Day. And a trayful of pigs in blankets from Aldi, of course. For those of us who spend Christmas without our family, the whole season can be painted black, and it can last for months. Or you can choose to pretend it's just another day. I might try it that way this year, and see if it's any good. Jingle who?